The Countertop Chronicles

"Run by a gun zealot who's too blinded by the NRA" - Sam Penney of

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

The Blues

South Knox Bubba is up in my old New York City stomping grounds and photoblogging away, inlcuding pictures of New York City bluesmen.

In the comments, BOHICA set forth a primer on singing the blues.

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes...sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch - ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broke-down trucks. The Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMW's, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and minivans ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle are probably just mild depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get no rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jailhouse c. empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places for the Blues: a. Nordstrom's b. gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you’re older than dirt b. you’re blind c. you shot a man in Memphis d. you can't be satisfied

No, if: a. you have all your teeth b. you once were blind but now can see c. the man in Memphis lived d. you have a 401K or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.

Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. cheap wine b. bourbon c. muddy water d. nasty black coffee

The following are not Blues beverages: a. Perrier b. Chardonnay c. Snapple d. Slim Fast

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are: the electric chair, wood alcohol poisoning, and dying lonely on a broke-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie b. Greasy Mama c. Bessie d. Big Leg Bertha

17. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big Willie

18. Women with names like Amber, Tiffany, Brooke, Brittany or Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example: Blind Pineapple Washington, Jakeleg Apricot Jackson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. It doesn't matter how tragic your life is: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues.


At 8:20 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Shop at your favorite stores 24 hours a day. Why go to the mall when you can shop online and avoid the traffic


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